I am being retrospective today.
One year ago I was about to embark on one of the most interesting journeys of my life. While going through all the testing, counseling and support meetings no one could make me understand all the feelings that come along with bariatric surgery. I could not wrap my mind around not wanting a coca cola. I couldn't understand how in the world food wouldn't call my name. No way was there going to be a time that I was bored and didn't want to eat!
Well, I am still morphing my mind. While my body changed QUICKLY my mind, not so much. My daughter laughs at me when we go shopping because she says I go straight to the big girl clothes. I really don't make a conscientious effort to do it but I really have crazy brain block over looking at the "S" on clothes. My brain doesn't understand that I CAN wear that size. I've never been a small....NEVER. At 118# and a senior in high school I was a size 10/12. So for me to be 109# and a size 2 doesn't compute in an analogical mind. I can honestly say that I believe companies do not size their clothes as in the past. Had they sized them the way they do now, I may not have had the body image that I have had to tame.
When I look in the mirror now I see an older woman...ok an OLD LADY! I have sagging, bagging, and dragging body parts. My butt looks like a shar pei dog and my belly is a better bowl of jelly than Santa ever could muster. My sister wanted to cry, I believe, when she saw the truth about my boobs. You know it is bad when your own mother says "Oh, I think they're cute! They remind me of when you were a little girl!" WHAT!!??? A little girl!! bahaha thanks Mom! It really IS funny. I have to laugh. It no longer hurts my feelings because it is true. But, the most wonderful thing is in my clothes I have NEVER felt so good. I've never felt pretty, fashionable or desirable in clothes, until this surgery.
I was alone at Northgate mall last week and walked into the American Eagle store. The sweet little sales girl couldn't believe it when I told her I once weighed 214#. She was checking out my tucked in shirt and my cute belt with my AE jeans and she wanted to know the size of my jeans. She thought I needed a smaller size! When I told her they were a 2 I thought she would flip out. I, in turn, flipped out when she said I needed a zero! Needless to say it was very flattering to hear. I know so many people think I am too thin and that's ok. People can and will think what they want to think regardless of how I feel about it. To answer the question that you may be thinking, no, I did not try on a size zero. I know from the literature and through the experience of others, I will gain weight. In fact, I have gain roughly three pounds the month of December already. I am SO not ready to gain! But as Kathy, the bariatric coordinator, said "Tis the season".
I've had many friends and even a cousin follow in my footsteps and have surgery this year. They are all doing a great job and are well on their way. I'm also excited to welcome a new sleeve sister on board as she will be having surgery on the 28th. I'm thrilled that she is taking the bull by the horns and going to get control of her life. She is, understandably, nervous and apprehensive so if you are reading this please pray for her as she starts this incredible journey.
As the surgiversary approaches I want to celebrate a year of change, a year of excitement, a year of craziness, a year of unbelievable looks and comments. A toast to 2011!
