9 months ahead

Well today starts another new chapter. A blog. Funny, seems like just a few months ago I had no idea what a blog was and I'm sure I thought it silly, yet, here I am.

I've started this blog to keep up with my journey and am able to refer people here to get an idea of what has happened to me. This isn't any medical advice or really any advice whatsoever. It is just me. The decision I've made for me and the way my decisions have affected my life.

In less than one week, I will be 9 months post op with a VSG (Veritcal Sleeve Gastrectomy). Anyone who doesn't know what that is can read below and will learn probably more than you want to know. At nine months it seems it has been forever! I've been post op as long as it took me to incubate one of my children:) That seemed forever too! Luckily on the flip side of pregnancy, in nine months I have lost the weight instead of gaining the weight. AHHHH.....The Weight.

A word that makes me cringe.... WEIGHT. Overweight, underweight, too much weight, not enough weight...weight, weight, weight. Everyday, my 24 hours is consumed with weight. How much did I weigh this morning? How much will I weigh before I go to bed? Did I get in enough calories today? Did I get in enough fluids for the day? When am I going to stop losing? What if I start gaining? What will plastic surgery look like? What will it cost? Will it make me gain weight? I think I got in too many calories today, will it show up in the morning? These questions are continuous. One feeds the other until it is a vicious cycle. There isn't much room for anything else in my head other than that self rewinding tape playing the same old song over and over.

For the first time in my life, I like the way I look in clothes. As a teenager my little tummy pouch was too big. (What a joke!) My boobs weren't big enough. My legs weren't shapely enough. Wow! Hindsight truly is 20/20. When I look at pictures of that teenage girl and young adult, I had it going on! Why can we not see that when we are living it? Maturity has a way of softening some edges yet sharpening others. I physically feel so much better. I emotionally feel so much better. Yet, when I see the way some people react to my weight loss by rolling their eyes or looking like I am skeletor that young girl's feelings try to surface. These are grown women that, in my opinion, have nothing better to do than to criticize others. This is something wrong inside them, not me. As a girlfriend put it Friday night, "they are just haters". You know, they really are...they hate themselves and they hate me for showing them that life can be good. Believe me, when I put on a size 2 American Eagle jeans and a size 4 pair of shorts, I look in the mirror and think "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!!" LOL

Now, I know some of you think, "well isn't she full of herself"! Well, not really. You will see that I noted in the previous paragraph that I like the way I look IN CLOTHES. The "not in clothes" body is a whole different ballgame. It really is a whole other ballPARK. I am forty seven years old with an eighty seven year old body. The skin that has been left after a 103# weight loss is a burn victims dream. I wish there were a way to harvest this stuff and give it to a burn patient. Yet, there is that grand thing called government restrictions and money that always stand in the way of a good idea. My sister has always said "Do you see wrinkles on a balloon?" She has a point! When I was blown up like a balloon I looked younger than all my skinny classmates for I had no wrinkles! Boy! That came back around to bite me in the butt. I have more wrinkles now than three of my skinny classmates! Vanity lives on!

I've seen more doctors in the last 9 months than I care to see. I've seen surgeons, sleep doctors, ob-gyns, cardiologists. My pocketbook can't handle another doctor visit. But, another visit is scheduled next week and the next. The first year of post op is definitely a roller coaster ride. It is a struggle to get up those first few hills but the the momentum takes you and before you know it the ride is over and you have to learn to coast on your own. When I think about being out here on my own with no follow ups I start feeling anxious. Right now, when you cheat alittle, it really doesn't show. You tell on yourself to your dr. and take your spanking, knowing that you will make it up in the next few days. You don't want to disappoint anyone. But life will, inevitably, bite you should you cheat. This is where my support system is going to have to step it up a notch. We are all becoming complacent. We are moving into daily living and eating. Disappointments are going to come but I'm not ready! Cheating is happening but habits do not need to happen. Some days I just want to throw caution to the wind and it is those days that I have to remind myself this is a journey, not just a trip. The days I want a coca cola are the days that I have to remember how much better I feel without them.

I guess I could always look at it as I do with other things that are in my past. I'm glad it happened for had it not happened I wouldn't be the person that I've become. And you know what, I kinda like her!