Blessed beyond measure

It is that time of year again. One that many bloggers call: "The year in review". I personally call it "Here I go again". 

The year 2014 has to be one of the most eventful years I can recall. Last December I turned 50 and had the best birthday ever. I should have known that was just another day in my crazy world. I'm almost positive the heads of my friends are spinning if they have been anywhere near me this year. 

It was going to be interesting and we knew that. What we didn't foresee is HOW interesting. Some of those things could have been left out but then again, it just wouldn't have been the same. 

We began the year with umpiring. Hunter took off for his first away from mom experience. Most boys start out going off for their freshman year in college. Not my son. He takes off to Daytona Beach, Florida following a dream. I have to confess that we also encouraged this dream as we have any dream that may arise in our home. I am a true believer in following the desires of your heart because they are there for a reason. You have to choose sometimes between right and wrong but if you always choose the right path you can't go wrong. He had a great six week run with some of the top umpires our country has to offer. He attended the Harry Wendlestedt Umpire School and Harry's son Hunter runs this school. Hunter W. saw his dream become reality this year when he umpired his first World Series. What an example that was in front of my Hunter to dream big. 

Unfortunately, age and experience weren't in Hunter's favor this year and they recommended he attend another clinic in Cocoa Beach and then another in Louisiana. He was chosen then to umpire in The Prospect League. Twenty thousand miles later he realized they make no money and are very tired at the end of the season. Come April he will realize they didn't take taxes out and the government will want their money. It hasn't squashed his dream and we are prepared to teach him, anything worth having is worth working hard, putting forth your best effort and polishing up your star to shine. 

Another crazy thing in our lives is I still work two jobs. I have the pleasure of working at Academic Urology with some fantastic people in addition to entering my 27th year at Erlanger. I have learned a lot. I've seen some things that would make even the smartest person scratch their head. I have enjoyed every day even when we are busting our humps and having one of "those" days. My girlfriend there likes to say we are like "pees and carrots". Yes, you are reading it right....it is a urology office so yes, I am PEES. Vanessa for some reason wanted to be carrots. We really do get along that well. It is nice.

Many of you have been so dedicated to being a warrior of prayer. It has not gone unnoticed this year. I almost lost my best friend and we truly believe that without the prayers of our friends she would not be with us today. 

Kim went in for a routine gastric bypass. Really, nothing is routine, but for those of us in the medical field it is routine. I was there with her family waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and I began to feel as if something was wrong. We had not had an update in awhile and while yes, she was a big girl I also knew he had been in there long enough. Dr Sanborn finally came out and talked to us. Kimmie was a train wreck inside with a lot of scar tissue that he had to cut away. I was with her every chance I could be even with two jobs. I would not have been anywhere else. One night she kept telling me how  bad it hurt and how she wasn't going to be able to walk this road. Having been there, done that, I knew she could. She is one of the strongest women I know. I had her up to the bathroom and nursing her as I know she would me.

I sent her family home and promised her if she would go to sleep I would go home and rest too. She dosed off, as promised, I left. It wasn't two hours later I receive a call from her daughter. They were taking her to emergency surgery. She was septic and it was not looking good. Thank God for the quick thinking of the doc for calling for a stat CT.

Several hours later, another call... touch and go. Her labs are bad. She is out of surgery and on a vent. They had to leave her abdomen open. My heart was breaking. Again, I was with her as much as I could be between the job and visiting hours. I have a wonderful boss who let me take off and see her at lunch. My heart was breaking. I couldn't lose my best friend like this! I wasn't going to lose her! I was going to fight when she couldn't. I was going to champion her cause when she felt she wanted to give up. Her husband had given up. She had given up. Her daughters didn't want to give up but had lost hope. I REFUSED! Days turned into weeks on a ventilator. Little at a time we started to get some response. One night her daughter sang her favorite song. We played Casting Crowns on her iPad. We prayed over her. She even had a skpe with Taylor even though she was on a vent. She tried to talk around it telling Taylor she would not miss her wedding. 

She didn't! She pulled through and praised Jesus the whole time! She and her family are now in church. Her daughter Jessica has turned her life completely around and is now following Christ. When we are walking by faith there is ALWAYS something we can't see. Now, on this side of Kimmie's ordeal we see. 

During all this crazy stuff with jobs, sickness, and ball stuff we intermingled lace and flowers. It was wedding season at our house. It look like a bridal shop threw up in our dining room. There were showers to attend, dress fittings to schedule, final decisions to be made. It was fun to watch my thrifty daughter stick to her budget and remember..."at the end of the day, whether you spent $100 or $10,000 you are still just as married". This was what I reminded her every time we hit a hard money decision. They are so happy and in love. The wedding was beautiful and the weather perfect. And for those who asked the question.... yes, I did cry.

Hunter left the very next morning for his excursion. It was a week that changed our entire family forever. We had a wedding, one fly the coop and then a death all within a week. Death and dying have been a part of my family as long as I can remember but this wasn't something anyone was prepared for. My niece OD'd and they couldn't pull her out no matter how hard they tried. Imagine having your heart ripped in to a thousand little pieces. My son has just left and is more than 8 hours away. My daughter is in a foreign country on a honeymoon. My brother has just lost his oldest daughter and my parents have lost a child they raised for several years. As good as I am at my job, as cold as some people think I am, this was one of the tough ones. 

In the age of computers and instant knowledge of anything happening in the world it is very difficult to keep things hidden until you can reach out to your children. Having to tell my son on the phone that one of  his favorite cousins was dead and he couldn't come be with the family would tear out the heart of the coldest person. Picking your daughter up at the airport from celebrating the biggest step in her life, only to be met with that news, is overwhelming to say the least. Neither of my children got to say good bye. Fortunately, they aren't the little children I sometimes wish they were anymore and they know that one day they will get to see her again.

Mark began a second job at Averitt Express. While I wouldn't recommend second jobs for everyone in the family it seems to be working for us. We are tired but slowly and surely we are getting out of debt and hopefully will be looking at getting me a new car soon. I am a strong supporter of Nissan and with 284,000 miles my pathfinder is still rolling along. Of course, Scott Womack has kept it rolling for me at times and for that I am grateful!

Sundays are filled with church and rents. I seem to have taken over the Sunday dinner duties at my mom and dad's house. I enjoy cooking. Always have...it is the cleaning that gets me. It is nice to get to spend this day with my parents as I become increasingly aware that time is not on my side anymore. I'm thankful to have been raised by acts of service parents for I feel I'm fulfilling my purpose while I am there. Doctor's appointments and just babysitting Daddy sometimes is a full time job for anyone. I'm glad I have my sister that takes the majority of the craziness that is the sandwich generation. Luckily she hasn't jumped off into the deep end and drowned yet.

We did take them to Florida on vacation. You haven't lived until you take your 81 year old parents to the beach. Especially my parents! They have to live by my sister, Teresa's rules. Those rules are simple, "no cussing, no fussing, no spitting, no hitting, no biting, no fighting". Simple right? If you know my daddy those rules aren't so easy some days! 

It made me tear up when I watched my daddy for the first time in 40 years, in my presence, walk on the beach. He just walked down to the water and that was about as far as he could go. All of a sudden, I saw my granddaddy. He was giggling like my granddaddy. He was being silly like my granddaddy. And my mom.....lol....what does she do but shake her head and say "silly old man!"

Football season came and went so fast that I'm not sure it really happened. It was our last year at Jacksonville State University but not the end of our supporting those gamecocks! They did us proud and as usual the Marching Southerners were superb. Then I blinked.

That was the wrong thing to do....blink. Somewhere in that span of time my daughter became my friend. She became a wife and confidant. She got smart. She got funnIER. She matured. She was set to graduate! While this was always the plan we never think the end of those four years will ever get here. They do and they did. Last week I watched with pride as my daughter walked across the stage, shook hands with Dr Meehan and received her degree. He declared them alumni of Jacksonville State University and my heart swelled with pride. She did it! We did it! She has so much life experience under her belt there is nothing that she can encounter that she can not conquer. 

Christmas has now come and gone. Hunter will be heading out again soon. Taylor has now officially left the nest. The tears haven't started yet but I did have to laugh as she left last Sunday. As Taylor gave me one last hug before she left, my mother told her "go on now before you or your mama starts crying!" My daughter in all of her infinite wisdom says "We all good granny (that college education really paid off huh?) She ain't gonna cry today. It may be next week or maybe next month but it won't be today. She will be standing at the sink one day and will start baaaaawwwwwwwling because she misses me." With a laugh and a smile out the door she went to start her life as Casey Whitson's wife, Marine wife, my adult daughter, college graduate, and closet comedian. 

In three days, I will celebrate my fourth year as fat free. Ok, maybe not fat free, but less of me. I am gaining. It's ok, you aren't the only one that has noticed. I know those of us who have had surgery are watched, talked about and heads shake saying "she's gained some don't you think?" The reasons we were fat have not magically gone away. We will always struggle with it. It is in our genetic makeup. One can quit drugs. One can quit alcohol. One can quit smoking, but one can not quit eating. It is physically impossible. Those emotional days that are food comfort days have reared their ugly head. Those days where you would chew somebody's arm off for a piece of chocolate still remain. I have still not had a coca cola since December 18, 2010. I will NEVER eat another Krystal. I will be starving before I eat another McDonalds hamburger. With those things right there I feel my surgery was a success. I have the tools at my disposal. If I don't use them it is my fault. Being a loser is a great feeling. Being a successful loser is an amazing feeling.

In between all these wonderful, crazy, sad days, was life. You know the kind where you are flying by the seat of your pants. The days where you feel like it is groundhog day over and over like the movie. The mornings you feel like the Dunkin Donuts man getting up to make the donuts. The problem with those days, they fly by while you aren't paying attention. You look up, your children are grown. You have gray hair. You have aches and pains that you never thought you would have until you were "OLD". Old sneaked in while I wasn't looking. The good thing about that is all my facebook friends are the same age.

When I look in the mirror and don't recognize that girl, I am reminded that my friends still see ME. When I feel like I am the fattest thing on the planet, my friends see a little petite girl. When I am down and out and feeling low, my friends and patients put a smile on my face. When I want something to eat or drink, when I want/need something new to wear, when I am available to help another person, I am blessed for I have great friends. I have friends and family that love me for me. I can go get something to eat or drink. I can find something, somewhere to wear. I can ALWAYS help someone along the way. Yes, I am blessed. 

Me 2 Mice 0

As it gets colder and the seasons start to change, one will notice the mass exodus of people outdoors. It becomes more difficult to be outside and the coziness of the indoors is so inviting. Humans aren't the only species that God has created that seem to prefer the indoors when the weather starts changing. My dogs have always enjoyed my lap but it seems they have taken permanent residence there. Then there are the creepy creatures that want to live rent free in your home.

Mice.....as in EEK!! A MOUSE! Aka, whole body shiver, chair jumping, skin crawling, mice have decidedly taken to the notion of thinking my pantry was a smorgasbord of limitless opportunities. I had grand plans for the weekend. It was beautiful, gorgeous and a perfect weekend to move my roses. I just needed to make a few fried pies for Sunday and out I would go. Into the pantry for some supplies and behold a hole in my brand new, unopened five pound bag of bread flour. Not just any hole, a large, gnawed hole. The tell tell sign of something that didn't belong. 

To say everything had to be cleaned up is an understatement. I just don't clean where I think he was....I clean it ALL. That little booger had not only gnawed away at the bread flour he helped himself to some sour cream and onion chips. While I'm all for God's creatures having a purpose and serving that purpose I'm pretty sure that little fella's purpose was not to answer a call to my pantry. I pulled EVERYTHING out. I didn't leave a crumb behind. I cleaned and wiped and threw away. Not exactly the way I had envisioned my weekend to go. 

After all the cleaning was done, a sinister giggle came from deep inside my body. I took a snap trap, my favorite bait (peanut butter) and set out to seek and destroy. The best thing about being a mouser is you don't have to sit quietly and wait. I proceeded to shower and ready myself for a date with my husband. In less than one hour, my diligence paid off. In the pantry with nothing but two snap traps lay the carcass. Poor little fella, never knew what hit him. If he did, I hope his last scream was for any of his friends to not follow him. But, obviously one didn't listen. By morning, another body. I felt as if I had won the lottery. I was like a hunter bringing in his deer. You know you live a sad life when you feel successful gazing upon the remains of a mouse. 

The second fella must have been fortuitous in getting the word to his friends for there has been no sighting of the little vermin. While I've been wanting to rearrange and organize my pantry this wasn't the way I had outlined. It looks as if a cheap Martha Stewart has arrived in Ringgold. Everything has a plastic tub and it is all grouped according to its purpose. 

I'm sure many of my readers will think me crazy.....ok, crazier BUT, let this be a warning to all who seek shelter in Ringgold. ASK before you get into the chips. The consequences are deadly

Life, Death and the emotions that go along with it

Anyone who knows me knows that I write. I write when I'm happy but mostly when I'm sad, mad or just plain emotionally spent. This is one of those times...emotionally spent. 

I have spent the last year helping my daughter pan her wedding and watching my son graduate and become a professional umpire leaving home for the first time. All parents with children that are old enough know these feelings well and I am far from the first one to ever experience this.

 Knowing my daughter is lucky enough to find a man that is brave enough to put his life on the line for my country, it was a given that she will not be near me. Funny how they don't have Marine bases in Ringgold, GA. Nine hours away isn't going to kill me, right? Hunter is chasing a dream to become an MLB umpire and I am so excited to see him do this. But, there is a part of this mama that wants to keep him a baby and near mom. Crazy? yes, I know. 

Wedding Saturday has arrived, Prospect League will be the very next day. What a weekend.  Both my children leave within one day of one another. My family and I have worked our fingers to the bone and I have had little, VERY little sleep. The weekend wraps up and it is Tuesday before I finally get to rest. Wednesday starts a new work week and the wedding central house needs to be cleaned. No rest for the weary and a mom's work is never done.

The week for most people is winding down but when you have a house to clean, laundry to do, newlyweds to be picked up in Atlanta, errands to run and elderly parents to tend to, your weekend is gone in a flash. That is until you are dealt a pretty devastating blow. 

The phone rings as innocently as any other ring on any other given day. The voice is as familiar as my own. A voice I've heard at least every week of my existence. It isn't until the words are spoken that I know this isn't a pleasure call. When your sister asks if you have talked to your brother you know something is wrong. My beautiful, crazy, funny, niece is on a ventilator only clinging to life because of a young heart and drugs to maintain her blood pressure. 

She was such a tormented soul from early on. Her mother left her with my brother when she was 9 months old. She spent many years with my parents. These were years of giggles, hairbows and fun. Everyone thinking my parents should be retiring, instead they were raising a baby. They didn't mind. They loved it. I'm sure all grandparents would rather see their grandbabies with them in a two parent, stable home than out God knows where. I saw my daddy in a totally different light. He was a kinder, gentler person than I remembered. My mother was the same loving, caring mother she has always been. It was said by my aunt that my mom had lost her mind loving this child as much as she did. Little did Ebbie know she too, would soon lose hers over her grandbabies too. 

According to Rhawn Joseph, PhD, young children and infants who are separate from their parents and who fail to maintain the mother-child bond and receive necessary stimulation are also affected adversely.

The loss of mothering during the first five years has the most serious effects on the child even if the child is separated then returned to the mother. The greater the length of separation during the first five years, be it due to death, divorce, or illness, the more profound the negative influences on emotional development.

It wasn't long til Steve found a new wife. One that would bring the little spoiled girl into their home and try her best to give her what she needed. Donna graced Kristen with a little baby sister, Kelly. At this same time, I had my Taylor and there were girls galore. Kristen was thriving but still didn't have what she was searching for. Everyone was doing what they thought was best. Were there mistakes made? Absolutely! Who doesn't make parenting mistakes? Our mere existence as humans is rife with mistakes. Soon there was a divorce and Kristen was back at Granny and Granddaddy's house. 

Happiness abounds when a grandchild is at their grandparents. How can they possibly be her parents AND grandparents? Are you to discipline as a parent or spoil and nurture as a grandparent? There is no right or wrong answer. It was around this time that Kristen accepted the Lord as her Savior. Nothing makes a Christian happier than to know a loved one will be joining them in heaven. Her fate was sealed in that moment. No one could separate her from Him. No matter how much she tried to run from Him, no matter how much she searched He was never far away. She strayed and while she always knew Him, I personally believe she felt she had gone too far. Praise Jesus there is no distance too far that He isn't there. No place too deep that He can not reach us.

Time continued to march on. Life changes again with a new household. She was now the lady of the house. Her daddy taught her what he could but how could he know what a girl needs? She needs a mom. In walks Michele and a ready made family. A home with brothers this time. Unfortunately, this wasn't to last either. Kristen knew turmoil. Kristen knew happiness. Kristen knew love. What Kristen didn't know was how her mama lived.

Again Dr Johnson states: 

Many children who have lost a parent through death, or who have been adopted are not only emotionally impaired but they tend to create an idealized image of their lost mother or father, endowing them with unrealistic qualities and abilities, and an unlimited capacity to love and make things right, to save them from the misfortunes of every day life...even when the adopted child has extremely loving and supportive step-parents.

 At 15 she left to go "see how my mom lives". Unfortunately after that she was a different person. Her mother finished raising her as a friend. Maybe this was due to her own raising and maybe she did what she thought was right, either way her path was set. So many choices at that point were choices that were detrimental. Like all teenagers she knew what was right. The unfortunate thing was Kristen was a very smart, persuasive girl. She could sell alligator shoes to a snake oil salesman. This was also the beginning of the end.

Several times mom and dad met her in Florida. Each time my mother would return home with her heart broken and feeling defeated. Each time my father would come in and talk about how it was hard on mom. Never would he admit it was hard on him but we all knew it was. It was hard to get one over on parents that had already "been there, done that". But Kristen didn't know that. 

My last quote from Dr Johnson is as follows: the child who loses a parent due to death, divorce, or separation, and the child who is neglected and/or given to others for part-time rearing (such as their grandparents), all suffer from lack of contact comfort. the stability of their own psychological and emotional development is negatively impacted. Consequently, social and emotional functioning will be adversely affected later in life as well, including their ability to form and maintain stable relationships and marriages.

Again with the searching and trying to find love in all the wrong places. One last chance was given to her by my parents but the devil of drugs and alcohol fueled her being. She had counseling, she had schooling, she had everything she could ever possibly need, but she NEEDED the drugs. Her choice was clear to her just not to the rest of us. She felt the strongest of need. One stronger than her love for her grandparents, stronger than her brain had to resist. She was smart. She knew right from wrong. But when you are an addict right and wrong no longer exist. 

I have lost my best friend to drugs and alcohol. I have several friends that have to work everyday at staying clean. We have church members that are actively attending their meetings and doing their best to never return to that lifestyle. I have been told had they known where it would take their lives they never would have taken the first drink or the first hit. Only a miracle has saved them. We don't know why this miracle wasn't afforded Kristen. We as Christians know that God knows the plan of our lives. He knows before we are born how and when we will die.  But in the wee hours of last Thursday morning the time of choosing was there. She couldn't fight the devil on his terms and she had been living on his terms. She could no longer fight. She left her home only to have her life taken from her by someone and something. The last bit of fight was snuffed out right then and there. 

Saturday my brother had to make the hardest decision of any parent's life. He had to love her enough to let her go. I know of no one that can accept the death of their child. My mother has always said it would be the worst thing she could ever imagine but yet our imagination has come to meet us. The pain in our hearts is for Kristen's dad. The pain is terrible when you think of your mom and dad's hearts breaking. But alas, we all know that as painful as it is for us, Kristen is no longer searching, no longer running away from God. No more turning her back on her family for drugs. She is happier than she has ever been in life. Death was better for her than life. She didn't know what lie ahead for her when she entered that house. Little did she know it was a high like she had never experienced. One that she will never be able to experience again because she is as high with our Father than any drug could have ever make her. I would like to think that God grew weary of watching her search for happiness because He held her happiness all along. I like to believe He offered her a chance to come back to earth or go on to heaven and when she was presented that choice she made the right one. I could be wrong but in the end I like to think she made the right choice not to fight it and to run as fast as she possibly could into the arms of the unconditional love she had been in search of for so long. She is no longer troubled, no longer searching, no longer in pain. While she never knew how much she was truly loved by everyone in the room she now knows love like we could never have given her.  

As we said our final goodbyes today it was very difficult. My sadness was not because Kristen was no longer with us but because my brother's heart and my niece Kelly's heart was shattered into a million little pieces. Having been raised in a Christian home death has never frightened or confused me. I've know death as far back as I can remember in my family. But one thing never gets easier, watching those closest to the deceased say goodbye. 

It was hard to tell my granddaddy bye. It was difficult to tell my Aunt Mimi goodbye. This goodbye today was strangely comforting. I have been touched in so many ways by drugs and alcohol that when one beats their addiction I can't help but rejoice. While I'm not rejoicing per se I am comforted. I know that no longer will she have to face the devil. She beat him. He thinks he won but Jesus had other ideas!

If ANYONE reading this is flirting with disaster, back up. Don't go down that road. It is so full of heartbreak and danger that no one should have to find themselves there. It will break up marriages, break mom's and dad's hearts and it will break your life. Before you make that decision to pick up the first one, stop and think long and hard. If you are where you can't stop on your own contact me and I will find you the help you need. There are lots of people who have walked there. Many have made it back but many like my precious, funny niece will never be back to us again. That my friends is something none of your family and friends should have to endure.

The Devil

Three and a half years ago I started on a journey. This journey has been one of the toughest journeys anyone would ever face. The weight loss journey. 

Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight (isn't that everyone?), will tell you it is a journey. A long, tiring, exhaustive trek to a goal. That goal sometimes is unattainable. We set those goals with the hopes of at least having them within reach. Many times I lost weight.....ALMOST met the goal only to gain more weight than I lost. I've starved, been a glutton, drank my meals, everything! But it wasn't until 2011 that my life turned. I looked the devil in the face and dared him to come up against me and my team.

My team consisted of many people. Some whom I had just met and some who I had known a long time. You always heard the saying "never swim without a buddy". Well, the weight loss journey could be summed up the same way. Never try it without a buddy. In my case, several buddies.

My biggest and most handy supporter is my husband. While we hardly ever get along, this surgery was the one time I could fall into his arms and let him carry me. I'm a very strong willed woman but I learned that sometimes you can't fight a war without some help. He was so good to help me by not eating the stuff I loved in front of me while I was learning a different way to eat. He was good to gently touch my hand when he knew I was mindlessly eating too fast. He could look at me in a loving way that wasn't accusatory and I didn't feel shamed as I had so many times in the past. Which leads me to "the devil".

The old red devil. Many of you know what I'm talking about. I have blogged in here about it. It is red and can make a girl fat in an instant! Coca-Cola aka COKE. It WAS such an addiction to me that I never thought I would be able to put it down to never pick it up. When the psychologist said she couldn't believe how many "sodas" I drank in one day I figured I had been found out. I promised her right then and there once approved and surgery complete I would never drink another. Well, I haven't! I've kept my word. I hadn't given it much thought until the other day. There was a bottled coke sitting on my bosses desk and I walked right by it several times. It wasn't until lunchtime that I realized I had passed it and not yearned for it. I did the happy dance right there.....ok, maybe not RIGHT there but in my mind I was dancing and singing. 

Have I broken the addiction? I don't know. I know that I am watching one of my best friends struggle with her surgery and it has given me a boost. I do know that if I give in, the coke wins and I, ladies and gentlemen, am not a loser! 

I am going to keep on keeping on. I'm walking this journey every day. Some days it is stormy and sometimes sunny but never dull. I will say work is the worst time for me. If you are looking to lose some weight look at what you eat while at work. It will amaze you I'm sure. If you are looking to lose weight, check your support system. Are they helping or hurting you? And by all means....kick the can! Kick the devil to the curb! Ditch the soda and watch what a little water can do for you.