Life, Death and the emotions that go along with it

Anyone who knows me knows that I write. I write when I'm happy but mostly when I'm sad, mad or just plain emotionally spent. This is one of those times...emotionally spent. 

I have spent the last year helping my daughter pan her wedding and watching my son graduate and become a professional umpire leaving home for the first time. All parents with children that are old enough know these feelings well and I am far from the first one to ever experience this.

 Knowing my daughter is lucky enough to find a man that is brave enough to put his life on the line for my country, it was a given that she will not be near me. Funny how they don't have Marine bases in Ringgold, GA. Nine hours away isn't going to kill me, right? Hunter is chasing a dream to become an MLB umpire and I am so excited to see him do this. But, there is a part of this mama that wants to keep him a baby and near mom. Crazy? yes, I know. 

Wedding Saturday has arrived, Prospect League will be the very next day. What a weekend.  Both my children leave within one day of one another. My family and I have worked our fingers to the bone and I have had little, VERY little sleep. The weekend wraps up and it is Tuesday before I finally get to rest. Wednesday starts a new work week and the wedding central house needs to be cleaned. No rest for the weary and a mom's work is never done.

The week for most people is winding down but when you have a house to clean, laundry to do, newlyweds to be picked up in Atlanta, errands to run and elderly parents to tend to, your weekend is gone in a flash. That is until you are dealt a pretty devastating blow. 

The phone rings as innocently as any other ring on any other given day. The voice is as familiar as my own. A voice I've heard at least every week of my existence. It isn't until the words are spoken that I know this isn't a pleasure call. When your sister asks if you have talked to your brother you know something is wrong. My beautiful, crazy, funny, niece is on a ventilator only clinging to life because of a young heart and drugs to maintain her blood pressure. 

She was such a tormented soul from early on. Her mother left her with my brother when she was 9 months old. She spent many years with my parents. These were years of giggles, hairbows and fun. Everyone thinking my parents should be retiring, instead they were raising a baby. They didn't mind. They loved it. I'm sure all grandparents would rather see their grandbabies with them in a two parent, stable home than out God knows where. I saw my daddy in a totally different light. He was a kinder, gentler person than I remembered. My mother was the same loving, caring mother she has always been. It was said by my aunt that my mom had lost her mind loving this child as much as she did. Little did Ebbie know she too, would soon lose hers over her grandbabies too. 

According to Rhawn Joseph, PhD, young children and infants who are separate from their parents and who fail to maintain the mother-child bond and receive necessary stimulation are also affected adversely.

The loss of mothering during the first five years has the most serious effects on the child even if the child is separated then returned to the mother. The greater the length of separation during the first five years, be it due to death, divorce, or illness, the more profound the negative influences on emotional development.

It wasn't long til Steve found a new wife. One that would bring the little spoiled girl into their home and try her best to give her what she needed. Donna graced Kristen with a little baby sister, Kelly. At this same time, I had my Taylor and there were girls galore. Kristen was thriving but still didn't have what she was searching for. Everyone was doing what they thought was best. Were there mistakes made? Absolutely! Who doesn't make parenting mistakes? Our mere existence as humans is rife with mistakes. Soon there was a divorce and Kristen was back at Granny and Granddaddy's house. 

Happiness abounds when a grandchild is at their grandparents. How can they possibly be her parents AND grandparents? Are you to discipline as a parent or spoil and nurture as a grandparent? There is no right or wrong answer. It was around this time that Kristen accepted the Lord as her Savior. Nothing makes a Christian happier than to know a loved one will be joining them in heaven. Her fate was sealed in that moment. No one could separate her from Him. No matter how much she tried to run from Him, no matter how much she searched He was never far away. She strayed and while she always knew Him, I personally believe she felt she had gone too far. Praise Jesus there is no distance too far that He isn't there. No place too deep that He can not reach us.

Time continued to march on. Life changes again with a new household. She was now the lady of the house. Her daddy taught her what he could but how could he know what a girl needs? She needs a mom. In walks Michele and a ready made family. A home with brothers this time. Unfortunately, this wasn't to last either. Kristen knew turmoil. Kristen knew happiness. Kristen knew love. What Kristen didn't know was how her mama lived.

Again Dr Johnson states: 

Many children who have lost a parent through death, or who have been adopted are not only emotionally impaired but they tend to create an idealized image of their lost mother or father, endowing them with unrealistic qualities and abilities, and an unlimited capacity to love and make things right, to save them from the misfortunes of every day life...even when the adopted child has extremely loving and supportive step-parents.

 At 15 she left to go "see how my mom lives". Unfortunately after that she was a different person. Her mother finished raising her as a friend. Maybe this was due to her own raising and maybe she did what she thought was right, either way her path was set. So many choices at that point were choices that were detrimental. Like all teenagers she knew what was right. The unfortunate thing was Kristen was a very smart, persuasive girl. She could sell alligator shoes to a snake oil salesman. This was also the beginning of the end.

Several times mom and dad met her in Florida. Each time my mother would return home with her heart broken and feeling defeated. Each time my father would come in and talk about how it was hard on mom. Never would he admit it was hard on him but we all knew it was. It was hard to get one over on parents that had already "been there, done that". But Kristen didn't know that. 

My last quote from Dr Johnson is as follows: the child who loses a parent due to death, divorce, or separation, and the child who is neglected and/or given to others for part-time rearing (such as their grandparents), all suffer from lack of contact comfort. the stability of their own psychological and emotional development is negatively impacted. Consequently, social and emotional functioning will be adversely affected later in life as well, including their ability to form and maintain stable relationships and marriages.

Again with the searching and trying to find love in all the wrong places. One last chance was given to her by my parents but the devil of drugs and alcohol fueled her being. She had counseling, she had schooling, she had everything she could ever possibly need, but she NEEDED the drugs. Her choice was clear to her just not to the rest of us. She felt the strongest of need. One stronger than her love for her grandparents, stronger than her brain had to resist. She was smart. She knew right from wrong. But when you are an addict right and wrong no longer exist. 

I have lost my best friend to drugs and alcohol. I have several friends that have to work everyday at staying clean. We have church members that are actively attending their meetings and doing their best to never return to that lifestyle. I have been told had they known where it would take their lives they never would have taken the first drink or the first hit. Only a miracle has saved them. We don't know why this miracle wasn't afforded Kristen. We as Christians know that God knows the plan of our lives. He knows before we are born how and when we will die.  But in the wee hours of last Thursday morning the time of choosing was there. She couldn't fight the devil on his terms and she had been living on his terms. She could no longer fight. She left her home only to have her life taken from her by someone and something. The last bit of fight was snuffed out right then and there. 

Saturday my brother had to make the hardest decision of any parent's life. He had to love her enough to let her go. I know of no one that can accept the death of their child. My mother has always said it would be the worst thing she could ever imagine but yet our imagination has come to meet us. The pain in our hearts is for Kristen's dad. The pain is terrible when you think of your mom and dad's hearts breaking. But alas, we all know that as painful as it is for us, Kristen is no longer searching, no longer running away from God. No more turning her back on her family for drugs. She is happier than she has ever been in life. Death was better for her than life. She didn't know what lie ahead for her when she entered that house. Little did she know it was a high like she had never experienced. One that she will never be able to experience again because she is as high with our Father than any drug could have ever make her. I would like to think that God grew weary of watching her search for happiness because He held her happiness all along. I like to believe He offered her a chance to come back to earth or go on to heaven and when she was presented that choice she made the right one. I could be wrong but in the end I like to think she made the right choice not to fight it and to run as fast as she possibly could into the arms of the unconditional love she had been in search of for so long. She is no longer troubled, no longer searching, no longer in pain. While she never knew how much she was truly loved by everyone in the room she now knows love like we could never have given her.  

As we said our final goodbyes today it was very difficult. My sadness was not because Kristen was no longer with us but because my brother's heart and my niece Kelly's heart was shattered into a million little pieces. Having been raised in a Christian home death has never frightened or confused me. I've know death as far back as I can remember in my family. But one thing never gets easier, watching those closest to the deceased say goodbye. 

It was hard to tell my granddaddy bye. It was difficult to tell my Aunt Mimi goodbye. This goodbye today was strangely comforting. I have been touched in so many ways by drugs and alcohol that when one beats their addiction I can't help but rejoice. While I'm not rejoicing per se I am comforted. I know that no longer will she have to face the devil. She beat him. He thinks he won but Jesus had other ideas!

If ANYONE reading this is flirting with disaster, back up. Don't go down that road. It is so full of heartbreak and danger that no one should have to find themselves there. It will break up marriages, break mom's and dad's hearts and it will break your life. Before you make that decision to pick up the first one, stop and think long and hard. If you are where you can't stop on your own contact me and I will find you the help you need. There are lots of people who have walked there. Many have made it back but many like my precious, funny niece will never be back to us again. That my friends is something none of your family and friends should have to endure.