"I love you and there is nothing you can do about it"

I've been thinking about different people, different times, different lives. 

Recently, I got to have lunch with someone I dated more than 30 years ago. I have had the pleasure of seeing someone I hadn't seen and dated more than 16 years ago. I have the most awesome friends here on FB that I had great relationships with in the past, that have turned in to some pretty amazing friendships. So many people here have held my heart in different ways. Some have held my heart in romantic ways, some have held my hands when I cried. All have shared a piece of my life that I feel privileged to have lived. This has been the year of seeing others in a new and flattering light.

I am SO happy to be in the place where I am. A place with a past that I've come to terms with and a past that has ended up being softened with time. Like most girls, my self esteem was not always the best. I know a lot of people that see me would never believe this but there are so many things that make up girls. Having raised a pretty amazing girl myself, I have seen first hand the strength and tenacity that I always wanted but not sure I possessed. I guess one could say I'm pretty proud to have raised such an independent, free thinking, tough as nails girl. 

This morning in Sunday School an old high school buddy walked up and said "hey meany". I asked him if I was mean in high school or just vocal? His response was, I stood up for myself, I held my own and I never took any crap. While I would like to claim that, I never felt like it. Somewhere along the way I lost myself. I lost who I wanted to be. I lost sight of the person I NEEDED to be. 

Each relationship brought me to where I am today. Each relationship every reader has ever had has lead them to where they are today and all have shaped us in one way or another. I challenge each person reading this to think of those relationships in the past that have had an impact on who you have become, whether positive or negative. Even the negatives have a story. 

Many of you may have read my status in March about my ex on what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. While that marriage was SO toxic and SO unhinged from the beginning, I have two of the most wonderful children from that union. I knew what I DID'NT ever want again even if I had to be single the rest of my life. I still pray for him. I still believe my children should have a relationship with him. I still will share grandchildren with him. None of this means I have anything other than a working relationship with him. All it means is, I am thankful for him and that season, for the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me came from it.

Some relationships in the past were so much fun. There were seasons of play. Seasons of new friends and seasons of carefree elation. There were beach trips, boat trips, hiking trips, four wheeling trips and daring "oh my goodness I really shouldn't do this" events. These served as a catalyst to teach those around me, now later in my life, the world should never be taken too seriously. These relationships were great. I loved each and every one of them. They, like I, have moved on to the lives we are supposed to be leading with the people we have chosen. If I could show the friends that are hurting and wanting a "someone" how this season leads to another, I would teach them to relax and enjoy it for what it is. When people show you who they are, believe them. They are here for a purpose. There is a lesson. One may not see that lesson today, tomorrow, next week or next year, but there is one. Be open to the experiences today so in your years to come you will enjoy the fruits of your labor. Sometimes I would love to bring some friends along to the past and share the fun and lessons but as the reader knows that is an impossibility. One can never share in the totality of the feelings in another's heart. 

I do like to think that all the relationships I've had in my past, think of me on occasion. I hope they, like I, remember the great and awesome times we spent together. The times they thought I had lost my crazy mind and the feelings of caring for one another. I pray they, like me, wish only for the best and when I cross their minds they smile. I can promise each and every one of my pasts brings a special memory and a smile. 

This isn't a tell all blog. I've not named names for many are married and unlike me and my husband their current relationships may not be grounded in trust and understanding. A funny story about us.....my husband has been known to mow his ex live in's yard and I totally was and am ok with him going over there to do it. Some may think that is crazy. I think it is called trust. I still have conversations and an occasional lunch with an ex (not husband) and my husband is ok with that. It is called trust. So before any of you freak out, look at your own relationships. Are you learning? Are you leaning? Are you trustworthy? Are you happy? What has your past taught you? Did you learn the lesson in that season? Are you better or bitter? 

I would like to think I am better. I had my bitter. It didn't taste good. I choose to look at the better. The happy moments. Those moments that took my breath away. The moments that only the two of us shared that made my heart flutter. The moments that make my heart smile. Those moments that only the two of us shared. The moments that when and if I ever look into their eyes again (even after decades) we connect on a level that no one else can. We see something in the other one that knows we were their purpose in that season. If you, the reader, can look into your past and be better, you have lived or are living a great life. If you are bitter about your past, bitter about your relationships, you need to figure out why you are bitter and change it. You may need to tell the person you are bitter toward. You may need to look in the mirror and see if maybe it is you you are upset with. You may need to forgive that person for what you see as a slight toward you, even if you that person is you. You may need to let some time pass before you can forgive and forget. You may need to pray for that person and while you are on your knees, pray for yourself that you may let go of the crap and see that person's lesson for you. Be open, be honest, be happy. There is no reason one shouldn't be able to look back and love again. It just may not be today. If you are that person in my past....I love you! I loved you in my past. I love you today. That love has evolved into an endearing love. As Sister Pooh Nash says "I love you and there is nothing you can do about it".